I have been shedding.
Tearing off layers of skin, some pieces bigger than others to reveal the hollow presence of the soul.
Hollow isn’t to say “empty”, but the contrary. Hollow here is used to describe the deep, placid truth of all that is. Hollow is God.
On Tuesday, God came to me. I’m not sure what to say about this experience in terms of vocabulary. That right, logical side of the brain is what hinders the true expression of the human experience with labeling and trying to make sense. So I will not be fucked with trying to create a sense of comfort in my words. Not for this, and never again in my life.
To this God experience, it began in the morning with an altercation between this hollow being I was opening up to, and the twisted, cluttered body I was toting around for twenty two and a half years without awareness. This walked with me to class where I stifled emotions because I want to be the grounding support for my community. Instead of leaning on my new family that offers me so much without expecting in return, I allowed my inner dialogue to spiral through my being.
We were doing plow pose. I don’t know how long exactly we were in the pose, but it was a long time. As soon as it was time to transition, a dull aching awoke across my back, around the area of my lungs. I lost it. My composure, gone. One of my teachers walked by at that moment, panicked I quietly called out “help. I need to get out help”. Recognizing the urgency, she kept me calm and got me out of the posture. Laying on my back, hands over face, tears came to my eyes. I tried to stay quiet still. But my chest started to heave and sobs rolled out uncontrollably.
Many experience this in Pidgeon pose, and I did in the past as well. It’s not because of pain, but because of years and years of emotional trauma building up in the body in carbon form. I had never experienced it this intense in my life though. When I realized I couldn’t control myself at all anymore, I bolted out the room to the private lobby and sobbed. Like true pain, hunching over, sobbing. Everything came out. I felt all the hurt, every disappointment, ever abusive action that was taken against me and my community, and especially every time someone gave me something and took from me without consent. It hurt so much. I cried and cried as my teacher comforted me with water and guidance of breath. I felt it all. I felt it all for what felt like eternity but was probably twenty minutes. Every moment I thought I was freed another wave engulfed me, another shattering moment of my being. I thought I would never be happy again. I returned to class, but felt the waves for the rest of the day.
At the end, I spoke with my other teacher. I spoke to her about how I didn’t know where to go, or what to do. I felt utterly lost as I was shedding a major armor piece I had been carrying on my back to protect my heart. I was vulnerable.
The root was that I always felt indebted to anyone who helped me, gave me anything, or even spoke to me. As if their comfort ability was my response ability. This tore my soul apart and either I was making agreements and signing contracts that were not in my heart, or I would shut beings out and over compensate my own ability to hold my head up when acceptance would have made everything smoother. I clearly see those individuals in my life that are here to love unconditionally, as well as have always been there.. Even if I could not discern super well before.
Before discernment, the lack of trust led me to use God as an outside force to “give me what I want”. That is not the relationship you want with God.
I have been calling to God for years now, but not with ultimate devotion. Now, everything was stripped. A foggy future and no protective armor to keep my heart safe. I was open, and intimidated.
My teacher gave me a little book titled “How to Speak With God” from the Self Realization Center in Encinitas. She said “ask God where to go, and bring this back tomorrow”. I walked out of the room, my beautiful friend Eric and Emma help space for me that afternoon. He parted with blessing me with 1/3 a bar of mint chocolate that my mom gave to my siblings and me every Christmas. They all gave me hugs, I got some water and asked… “Where to now” the image of where I was in the morning flashed. I was afraid, but instructed to take it slow, go street by street the normal way I return. At every street intersection, I read a passage from the book, and took a sip of water to seal in the words.
This book is amazing and I recomend it.
I finished the book at the portal to where I began that day. Completely relaxed, and back to the hollow sense of self. It wasn’t the same being walking through this time though. She stayed in the past and was the sacrafice for this new life I have taken.
The lessons were innumerable that day. And are still translating to today. Trust is a big one, trust in the God sense that sits behind every beautiful face. Communication, be open and sometimes you need to speak in your second lingual language. Self love and acceptance, which helps with trust of self power, confidence, and discernment. Vulnerability, open your heart because it can only inspire those brave enough to gaze on at your inner light. It is here. You just have to ask and suddenly, you truly feel Ishwara Pradihana. Devotion and acknowledgement to the God. Just start a conversation today. Say hi right now. It is here.